My dear governor, are you videoing, mbok? by Henry Okelue
Let’s just say
this event… never happened in reality. Let’s assume I made it up, in my usual
hydrocarbon fuelled craze.
There was a
gathering of looters and semi-pious gangsters.
So it happened that
they had to vote for the next ring leader, and the incumbent head-man, who
probably also has a Mexican name, was interested in leading again.
On the other
side, the side that had the backing of the Cap’n-in-chief, was a confused
jaguda whose name rhymes with Jangirova.
He-whose-name-rhymes-with-jangirova
is known to be presently presiding over a non-ending gang war in the part of
town he lords over.
So the gang
gathered to cast lots on who rules next. A gang member, well known for his
Kangol hat (he had it on that day too), and who is a kinsman of a former gang
member who is currently doing time in a foreign land, was called forward. He
would watch over the cast lots. He accepted the noble role with aplomb. Very
gracious of him and cute of him (someone must have even pinched his cheeks).
The gang applauded.
So casting of
lots started in earnest. They smiled, waved, and smiled, as they cast lots for
their preferred head huncho.
Then came the
time for counting. Every man was cock-sure it was his man carrying the day, but
some members of he-likely-with-a-Mexican-name’s group had a vision in a very hot
moment.
Somebody, very
likely God, showed unto them a gang member who didn’t win being congratulated
by the Cap’n-in-chief in the papers.
They were
troubled. So one of them from the West (he couldn’t be identified because no
one was sure if he had a tribal mark or not) whipped out his video recorder and
started filming.
A gang member,
who swore he had God’s will on his side, saw the filming and came forward
angrily.
“Grrrrr” he said
to the one from the West “Are you barking?” asked the one from the West “Are
you videoing Mbok?”
“Did I video you”
said broda oni-pélè (we said neither we nor them were sure) “Stop videoing or I
bite you” insisted the one who had God’s will on his side
So the Westerner
pretended to hide his video recorder, for fear of catching rabies or something.
While all this
was going on, a gang member (whose identity remains hazzy at the time of
writing this) was practising the new pig language he had just learned. He was
on his way to becoming a true polyglot, well versed in both human and animal
speak.
The counting,
fully recorded by the one from the West, ended, and the
one-likely-with-a-Mexican-name won, by 3 votes. They all bumped fists, ate
caviar, and retired to their homes.
Then magic began.
The one whose
name rhymes with Jangirova declared he was the one that won, on TV.
He was flanked by
the one with the doubtable will of God. They claimed they had a list from the
other gang members promising to vote for him-of-the-Jangirova. They concluded
that they were sure the other gang members were drugged with alomo and thumb
printed the wrong logo.
They
claimed the lots were rigged by their fellow riggers.
They claimed all
sorts.
They went further
and asked he-likely-having-a-Mexican name to abdicate the throne and go into
exile.
Then him of the
West released his video to the desert dwellers of the Sahara.
All hell was let
loose!
Neither Jangirova
nor Will-of-God have been heard from since then. Probably in a state of shock
as to how the gangster from the West managed to video them, even after all the
barking and threats of biting.
We shall keep you
posted.
This article was written a week after the election woes that befall the Nigerian governors forum. Hope you learn one or two things....
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